I AM

I AM far from perfect.

I AM going to disappoint you.

I AM going to make HUGE mistakes.

I AM saved.

I AM who God says I am.

I AM ME.

There is a renewed strength that comes from knowing that you have a God that loves you. There is an amazing peace in knowing that you have a God that sent His only son, Jesus Christ, to die for your sins. There is a deep longing that cries out from you to be Christ in Me.

There is also fear.

A fear that you will fail. That you will fall flat on your face and disappoint everything and everyone around you. A fear that you will disappoint your Lord and Savior. Well, honey, it’s going to happen. No matter how often you feed yourself with scripture, no matter how often you go to church, no matter how often you fellowship, and no matter how often you pray, it’s going to happen.

I have failed my God more times than I care to tell you about. I have failed Him recently. I will fail Him in the future.

I failed Him at the age of seventeen.

My father had left. One day he just never came home from work. So, I was left to raise my little brother while my mom worked ninety hour weeks to try to save our house, our horses, and our lives. I struggled through school to stay eligible for volleyball. It was my saving grace at the time, and I was pretty dang good at it. I had to get my mind off of what was going on. It was the beginning of the end of my family. Or so it seemed.

I met this guy, in the midst of all the chaos and struggle.  I was so completely infatuated with him and I was sure it was real love. Anything seemed more real than what was happening. He took care of me, and helped take care of my brother, our house, and the animals while my mom worked. He was my world at the time. He saved us. He saved me, or at least that’s how I felt. I was depending on the wrong he.

I found out I was pregnant in October of 1999. Volleyball season had ended and so had the rest of my life. I was going to be playing “mommy” instead of college volleyball. I had failed. I failed my parents, myself, and my God. Nothing was ever going to be right again. Ever.

I was wrong.

You see, the choices that I made then, make me the person I am today. I am a mother, a daughter, a fighter, a writer, and most importantly, I am a child of God. I am living out who God says I am. I am the person He made me. I am the mother that fights for the lives of her children and for their protection. I am the daughter that loves her parents unconditionally through all of the struggles of growing up. I am the fighter who takes whatever life throws at her and makes the best of even the darkest situations. I am the writer baring her soul to you now. I am a child of God who is never alone because He is always with me. Always.

I AM ME.

And I want you to BE you. Be who God says you are. Be Christ in Me. Be accepting of the imperfect sinner. Be accepting of grace.  Be the mother, the daughter, the fighter, the baker, the writer, the nurse, the engineer, the teacher. Be the child of God. Just be I AM ME because that is who God says you are.

Take in these words, along with scripture and chew on them everyday. I know I don’t want to stay spiritually skinny forever, and you shouldn’t either.

So get out there and Feed Yourself, Girl!

2 Peter 1:5-8 (NIV)
“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”