Have you ever wondered what we look like trying to do life completely on our own? We look like a modern day Peter, attempting to walk on water with anything and everything we could possibly put our worldy faith in. The paddle of sin that steers us in the completely wrong direction. The floatation device of our own power, that basically allows us to just tread water. The lantern of our own knowledge that only gets us as far as every trashy romance novel that we have ever read.
In Matthew 14 Peter tells Jesus, “Lord if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” Jesus says come and though Peter comes, he hesitates and begins to sink. The thing with us women is, is sometimes we don’t even request for God to tell us to come out of the boat, we just do it on our own will and strength. We just step out there. With all this junk and no faith except in our own capabilities. Do you know what results from that? Insecurity, anxiety, addiction, depression, loneliness. You name it, its there. The enemy whispers it in our ear. And we believe it. We believe it enough that we sink into the depths of darkness because we were dependent on our own power…or lack thereof.
Each testimony that you encounter in your life has hardships and hurt and sin. Some of it is self-inflicted and some of it is not. They are full of ups and downs. They contain a boldness that can only from one Source. They carry victory and joy and light. The light of the world.
The light of Jesus.
John 1:1-4 says, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made. In him was life, and life was the light of men.”
That Word is Jesus, he has always been and always will be. He is with God and is God. The Word (Jesus) Is the light of men.
To truly appreciate the light, you have to understand the darkness. And what it means to be rescued.
I have battled on and off for a long time. Specifically, since the age of 8 when night terrors started. I had teenage years that harbored hurt and hardship. I was a high school statistic, getting pregnant my senior year and barely graduating. I was a single parent of 3 girls wondering how I would make it. I was a college drop-out thinking I needed a degree to be someone so I could be defined by the world’s standards. I was a relationship-jumper (friendships included) thinking I wasn’t worth someone’s love. I was a mother who was angered with God for the hand she was dealt and because He allowed my child to become sick. I allowed TV, magazines, and social media to define my worth.
I lost my faith in God and humanity. It just gradually deteriorated as life progressed. At 13 I strayed from the church. At 15 I was engaging in acts a 15-year-old should not be. At 17 I was pregnant. By 20 I was pregnant again. This time with a child that was diagnosed with Down Syndrome and Atrial Septal Defect. At 21 my then-husband was fighting in the war in Iraq and we (meaning the platoon and the spouses) endured mass casualties and a horrific helicopter crash. At 22 I was pregnant again with my 3rd daughter. By 25 I had burned through marriage. At 26 my middle daughter was diagnosed with leukemia. At 27 I was in constant battles with my ex-husband. At 28 I was battling financial stress from a sick child and my own dumb choices. By the time I hit 29 I was done. I had come to the end of myself. In a time span of less than 20 years I was tired and spent.
Everything that I did or didn’t do fell tremendously short of getting me out of the state I was in. Just completely hopeless.
January 4, 2009 I was in the hospital up in Garden City, standing by Katie as she was sleeping. We had been there for a few hours already with no diagnosis. She had been running a fever with major leg pain and little “bruises” all over her legs. The day before we had gone shopping and she did not want to walk. I thought she was being defiant. So I spanked her bottom. It has haunted me to this day.
When the doctors finally came in, it was after midnight. He told us he was fairly certain that Kaitlin had leukemia. So certain that he had us pack up to Colorado Springs immediately to see an oncologist by 10 a.m. the next morning.
I was SO ANGRY at God. I cried out WHY, WHY DID YOU ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO HER?! Anger and hurt flooded every crevice of my body and soul it felt like. And shortly after that it was fight or flight mode. It was time to do what I needed for her, within my own power of course. So we packed everything up. Our lives changed overnight. My brother and his wife, bless them, dropped everything they had to take us to Colorado so we could concentrate on Katie. I didn’t know it then, but I know now that they showed me the purest form of selfless love. And that only comes from one place.
For 26 grueling months we endured chemo treatments, bone marrow biopsies, and bouts of RSV that resulted in lengthy hospital stays. As a single parent I endured pay and hour cuts, struggling to make ends meet. Part of it from the nature of the beast and part of it from trying to fill a hurt through material things that didn’t get me anything but more debt. I was going through a horrible divorce and we were at each other’s throats more than we were civil. All while trying to heal this child that did nothing but love.
Finally in March of 2011 Katie was declared in remission. But my aloofness to God remained.
It took one ridiculous fight in September of 2011 to finally break me. The girls had gone to stay with their dad and out of the blue I was being blamed for a bout of stomach issues Katie had. It really was pretty dumb. I had no fight left in me. I was broke, broken, and tired. I had reached the end of myself, my own power. It was mid-afternoon that same day, with the sun streaming in the kitchen, the beams warming up the kitchen floor that I hit my knees and cried. Through the tears I whispered. “Please help me.”
That is all it took. One act of total submission in the most humbling way. And God walked right in, as if to say, “What took you so long, my child?”
My life changed that day, but not in the way you may think. It wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies and this magnificent, sudden change that magically poured down like fairy dust. No. God isn’t a God of granting wishes and fulfilling instant gratification. God is Abba. Daddy. The kind of Father you crawl into the lap of and gain strength from. The kind of Father that covers you in peace when the world seems nothing but tumultuous. The kind of Father that rebukes your sin and still loves you through it. I was pulled out of the darkness that day. My change was the beginning of a road that held triumph and failure, but with it came truth and strength and peace and joy that can only come from the Almighty.
My faith allowed God’s redemption. It allowed me to go from darkness to light. That doesn’t mean I don’t still try to pick up my worldly junk and carry it on my own. Paddle of sin and all. Its just that now I know that I don’t have to.
See, faith isn’t about the religion. It isn’t about how much scripture you can memorize or how many books of the Bible you’ve read or any of the “things” they tell you that you should do. Not that you shouldn’t do those things. You should, but they should be driven by faith, faith without works is dead. Faith is about the dependence on, and the relationship with, the One who created you. It is about the state of the heart.
My heart knows that my sin is no greater or less than any of yours. My darkness was no more or less deep than yours. My redemption was no more or less powerful than yours. And the same goes for every woman that reads this.
I want to say it doesn’t matter what you’ve done because, in some ways it doesn’t. But the truth of it is, your past, the things you have walked through, and what you have done set you up. Those things set you up for who God is making you and where he is about to take you! But you are NEVER so far gone that you are beyond the reach of God. All we have to do is ask, even if its only a whisper. It’s the state of the heart. And God hears our whisper and He sees our heart. That is where he meets us in our messes and He loves us right out of them.
God just knew what I needed to break me, and what I had to endure to chose Him. Not that He made it, but in some ways, like Job, He allowed it. I had to come to the end of myself.
My heart knows now Who holds the light of life.
10 years ago in September I recommitted my life to Christ. 10 years ago on December 4 I was baptized.
Since that day I have not lived anywhere near perfect and it has not been easy. Don’t mistake walking with Christ for a life of ease and blessings. It isn’t always easy and it doesn’t always feel blessed. The difference is that everything you endure, from trials to triumphs, comes with a peace that surpasses all understanding. A knowing that God is going to take care of you if you allow it. We have to chose Him, and some days its easy. And other days its choosing him second by second to get you through the hard stuff.
But no matter what, you are not alone. God is there. And He sends people into your life. He sends them into the dark moments you endure so that their light can help rekindle yours. We are not made to walk alone. In the very beginning God said as he spoke of Adam, it is not good for man to be alone, so God gave Adam Eve. The first friendship, the first marriage. We are made to do life together. With others, and most of all, with Jesus.
feed yourself, girl 