Last Thursday at midnight I sat in my bathroom, feeling defeated. I had just finished setting a day’s worth of alarms on my phone so that I could time all of Katie’s medicines in and amongst one another, along with meals. One medicine has to be taken 2-3 hours outside of another medicine and 1-2 hours outside of food, and this medicine is taken 4 times a day. So we HAVE to be on a regimented schedule to accomplish this. But there are days I fail. There are days I get frustrated and wonder why her?? WHY HER?? And I think the same for my other two girls. Why do they have to go through the things they go through? Why do they have to endure hurt, depression, and anxiousness? I mean others seemingly have it so much easier. And my girls didn’t do anything to deserve this…so why them? IT. ISN’T. FAIR.
But what is fair? I mean, truly, what is fair? I don’t think a single one of us really knows the meaning of the word. We think fair is the ability to have the same opportunities or material things given to one as another. But it isn’t fair that my daughters have to endure what they endure while someone else doesn’t. So tell me, what is fair?
We sit here and yell and scream about fairness. We stomp our feet because we want the same everything someone else has, the same opportunities, the same stuff. And yet…in the same breath that we shout for fairness, we also shout for differences to be embraced. Is that fair?
So as I sat in that bathroom, I realized I don’t want the world’s version of “fair”. What I want, is God’s version of fair. Was it fair when Job lost everything simply because his faith was being tested? Maybe not to us. Maybe not in our human, finite minds. And maybe not to Job in the moment he was covered in sores with no clear understanding of what was going on. But even in his misery, Job was still faithful. See, God knows us the most intimately, and He knows best what we need and when we need it. And He didn’t make all of us the same, or to all need the exact same lessons at the exact same time. He made us to live cohesively in our differences, filling one another’s gaps. He also made us to endure different hardships at different times knowing what we need to grow, to build our faith, and to rely on him. So God’s fair is giving us what we need when we need it, not what we want when we want it.
By the world’s standards, life isn’t fair. Its hard and messy and it always will be. And truly there are some things that are just not fair: hunger, orphans, widows, illness, persecution. They are hard and enduring trials that we may never understand this side of heaven. But I do know that we serve a just God and his wisdom is far beyond our comprehension. And I also know that God gives us what we need, when we need it, even when we don’t understand it, and that is fair.
James 3:13-17 says, Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.
So when we sit and weigh what we deem fair or unfair, is it from a place of selfish ambition and jealousy or from a place of wisdom? Selfishly, I want Katie better and I want Hannah and Audra to not endure hardships. But from a place of wisdom, I know that on the other side of whatever they face, they will build a faith that can move mountains. That is a gift that far exceeds any worldly fairness I could ever ask for.
feed yourself, girl 