Since 2020 it seems like everything in life is in an upheaval. Neighbors spewing hate at neighbors, sisters fighting with brothers, and spouses giving up on spouses.
Where did the love go?
There are a million posts that have taken the last two and a half years and spun them out at every angle imaginable, pointing fingers at everyone but themselves. COVID, politics, war, scandal, you name it.
You are so concerned about fighting about the next new thing that you have forgot how to value one another. You have forgotten how to accept that our differences are what make us unique. That our differing opinions help find a balance. BUT YOU ARE TOO BUSY SHOUTING AT ONE ANOTHER. YOU ALL HAVE TO BE RIGHT. And in trying to prove your rightness, you become wrong. You have become self-righteous, self-centered, and more worried about growing your own egos.
See how I spun that? I pointed the finger at you, and not me. Because that is what we have been doing all along. For the past two years the division is not the government or the media. No, the division comes from our self-righteous, egotistical self. That includes me. And we have failed to love one another.
Now the fight is Roe v. Wade. It’s all about women’s rights and men’s rights and unborn babies and value them both.
Why can’t we just value one another, simply and profoundly?
Matthew 25:40 says, And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ There are women who truly feel that abortion is the only way out. Are we condemning her or walking by her? How are we making her feel? It is not our job to judge her. It is our job to love her and to love her unborn baby to the best of our ability. And in the end, if she still feels like it was the only way out, it’s our job to lay our hand on her shoulder and say, “I’m still right here.”
WALK BY YOUR SISTER.
The overturning of Roe v. Wade is perceived to be a win for the unborn. God’s Word says to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves (Proverbs 31:8-9), and I cannot think that the overturning of Roe v. Wade would upset God. It also has the potential to make a woman feel trapped in the case of rape, incest, or birth defects and she may feel like she has no choice but to turn to back-alley abortions. Are you going to love her through the hurt and the mess? And when you are mad that she went through with it and don’t you agree, are you going to hold her and say, ‘we will get through this,’? The decision doesn’t change the call for us to walk by one another. It changes the capacity in which we do it in.
Pregnancy centers are going to need volunteers. Start a group for women who have had abortions and women who are thinking about having an abortion. Be a liaison for women who are lost, trapped and don’t know where to turn. Educate others. Just be involved.
Step up sister. More than ever we are called to walk by other women. We have to stop pointing a finger at our sister and march in line beside her. Walking with her doesn’t have to mean agreeing with her. Walking with her means loving her in truth where she is at, without judgement.
A little over a year ago we met Sammi, and I have talked about her some here and there. But more and more lately her encounter with Jesus has been on my mind. All I can think over and over is “God meets us in our messes and loves us right out of them.”
When Jesus met Sammi she was an outcast, a loner, a socially unacceptable woman. She had to draw her water at the well when no one else was there. Some of you may think, “Wow, that’s sad.” And others may think, “Well, she kind of did it to herself.” And I’d say you are both right. But the truth is, is her sad, self-inflicted mess is no different from your sad, self-inflicted mess.
Judgy? Maybe. True? Absolutely. Your mess is just as messy as her mess. We love to take to comparing ourselves to others to gauge the severity of our mess or justify the reasons why we are knee deep in the junk. And social media is the biggest culprit of nasty messes and failed expectations. We compare our walk with someone else’s walk, our mess with someone else’s mess, and our successes to someone else’s successes.
Aren’t you tired of comparing? I sure am!
The truth of it is, is God is going to show up while you’re knee deep in your chaos just like He will for everyone else. Every. Singe. Time. The change, however, lies in your call to God. And again in your response to Him.
And guess what??
God is going to constantly meet us in our mess of junk and pull us out because we aren’t “there” and we don’t “arrive” and we are never sanctified until we meet Him on the other side. Look at how many times David had to run to God to repent? To be pulled out of his pride, his adultery, his sin. And yet God never gave up on him, nor did He compare David’s struggles to Job’s trials. God didn’t just pass up Saul in his murderous rage. He met him on the road and then sent Annanias to lay hands on him, and he became Paul. Nor did he leave Sammi to continue her life without Him that day at the well. Got meets us all right in the midst of the storm and sometimes it’s the rawness of His presence, and other times it is through someone else.
The encounter between Sammi and Jesus was simply Sammi and Jesus. The encounter with you and Jesus may look a little different. It may look like you, your friend LaFonda or Shelly or even Karen, and the Holy Spirit. God works through other people so beautifully. He sends them to us so we are not alone in our own turmoil. Which means that mess of a girl you see on Facebook that you compare your mess to? She may need you to walk beside her. And it’s highly likely you will need her to walk beside you. We cannot do this life alone and nor were we meant to.
I want to offer a challenge this week, one that may be a little uncomfortable. If God brought someone to mind for you while reading this, reach out. It could be a co-worker, a former friend, someone you may not get along with, or someone you don’t know really well. Build a bridge where there currently isn’t one. Reach out like Jesus, lay hands like Annanias. Oh no, it isn’t going to be easy. Oh yes, it is going to feel awkward. Do it anyway. Lives change when we take one step. Hate stops with one caring word. Judgement ceases when we stop comparing our walks to others and start reaching out to understand one another: the jailbird, the drug addict, the panhandler, the single mom, the miss always right, the neighbor, the co-worker, the social media flaunter, the overachiever, and the have it all together-er. We ALL have messes, junk, and storms. The question is, when you are in your mess, or observing someone else’s mess, what is the state of your heart?
Philippians 2:1-7 says, So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being of full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interest of others.
Do nothing from rivalry or conceit…count others more significant than yourselves. There is absolutely no caveat to that statement. It doesn’t say others except for the ones that irritate you. Or the ones that have a different lifestyle than you. Or the ones that are not saved like you are. It just says others. And with the others, love yourself also. God made you, messes and all. We spend so much time cleaning up our mess while comparing it to someone else’s mess, we miss out on what God really has for all of us. The ability to help one another through sift through all the junk we either make or are given. Many hands make light work, right?
Friend, we may not know each other at all. But I sure hope one day we will. For today, feed yourself, girl with the love of God and His word, and also with the love of you sisters.
There hasn’t been much writing done by my hand in the past 5 months. And this sentence right here is normally where I would tell you I have been on a hiatus, or been struggling with my faith, or been distant from God for whatever reason, none of which are the reason for my writing absence. In fact, my absence has been busy. It has been a roller coaster. It has strengthened my faith in ways and challenged it in others. Most of all, it has made me realize that I am missing my purpose.
But wait! Before I get into the people purpose, I want you know that Katie is HEALED. I am talking a miraculous, divine, God-healing. Katie had surgery in January, and has since gained almost 20 pounds (she is now 108 lbs), graduated high school, started working, and has a completely unrestricted diet. I cannot put into words the awe, the joy, and the disbelief in watching the vomiting, the weight loss, and the sleepless nights of the past 5 years just disappeared. Overnight. And when I say overnight, I mean in 12 hours. Gone. Don’t tell me there isn’t a God that performs miracles. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Yes, she had a surgeon. No, it wasn’t a miracle like we are conditioned to think miracles should be (like magic or something). But it was miraculous to watch this surgeon come out and say, “She’s fixed. Better than we thought. I haven’t seen anything like that before. And I’ll never see anything like that again.” Unexplained. Divine. Miracle. And the little cherry on top that made us smirk? Her surgeon’s name was Dr. St. Peter. Yep, Peter. Like the apostle. I can’t deny the miracle we experienced, nor am I going to try to dilute it with some tangible explanation. It was simply, and profoundly, God’s hand at work.
Okay, back to the purpose. Of people.
I know, I know. In this day and age it is socially acceptable to like cats more than people, to seek emotional support from dogs instead of friends, and to chase our own ambitions instead of helping our peers with theirs. The drive has become selfish and success has become solitary. Our purpose is increasingly defined by our own achievements and we are losing sight of what it means to be humble. We are slowly eroding away the purpose we were made for, what God has intended for us, so that we can each obtain a fleeting, selfish glory that will sit on a shelf and collect dust. Just like a 3rd grade soccer trophy.
We have one purpose that is bigger than ourselves, and that is the purpose of living for others. Our people purpose. I am not talking about adopting children or mission trips to Africa. While both are noted to be noble causes, and they are needs that also need filled, there are great needs right under the noses of our daily lives. Do you think God places us where we are at the time He does just because He felt like it that day? Nah Jack. That’s not how He works.
Close your eyes, and think of a peer or coworker who may rub you the wrong way or drive you a little crazy. Got it? Now think of a peer or coworker who you really enjoy being around. Easier to think of the more pleasant person, isn’t it? Now think of both of those people at the same time, and while you think of them, picture our God loving them, doting on them both equally. God loves both of them so much (and God loves you so much) that He placed each of you in the same place at the same time for a bigger purpose. Why? Because in some way, you need one another. You have something to teach to them or you have something to learn from them. Our purpose is people. It isn’t the success of our own self that we are made for, but for the purpose of the people around us to see Jesus in us. Our identity isn’t our job. Our job is just a task, and yes, one that we must do to God’s glory because the people around us see how we complete those tasks, how we work under pressure, and how the seemingly impossible is made possible. Our identity is who we are in faith and who God says we are made to be. Our identity is what others see as we carryout our tasks, as we help others, as we portray kindness and love and grace and mercy. Our job is just one piece of the whole. It is a piece to our people purpose. When we live out our people purpose, life becomes less about us and our finite success and more about the eternal success of those around us.
We are made to do life with people. As messy and frustrating as it gets, it is our purpose. The purpose God has set before us carries over into our schools, our jobs, our friendships, all of it. And I don’t mean like a holy thumping for non believers. No, no. I mean serving one another in love, speaking truth in love, being patient in love, and giving up of self in love. I think about the people I work with. Some of them are oh-so-easy to love and others take quite a bit of effort. And each day I fail in loving someone the way I should. Each day I fail at losing sight of my true purpose for my own selfish success. And each day I tell myself I will do better the next. But you know what? I may be that someone that is difficult to love for one of my coworkers. None of us are immune to being disliked or imperfect or annoying. I know I certainly am not. And I am definitely not immune to being a selfish, self centered go-getter. I want what I want when I want it. But when I look at the bigger picture, when I think about what makes each day brighter and more fulfilling, it is undoubtedly the people in it.
Proverbs 19:21-22 says, Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. What is desired in a man is steadfast love… We can make our plans, set our goals, but if we are not allowing the Lord to determine our steps, and if we are not living for the purpose of loving others, we are wasting our life. We are wasting our purpose.
What I have learning in my writing hiatus is that life is not about what it can give to my achievements and success, but it is about what I can give of myself to those around me, regardless of the setting. Love the ones around you.
Last Thursday at midnight I sat in my bathroom, feeling defeated. I had just finished setting a day’s worth of alarms on my phone so that I could time all of Katie’s medicines in and amongst one another, along with meals. One medicine has to be taken 2-3 hours outside of another medicine and 1-2 hours outside of food, and this medicine is taken 4 times a day. So we HAVE to be on a regimented schedule to accomplish this. But there are days I fail. There are days I get frustrated and wonder why her?? WHY HER?? And I think the same for my other two girls. Why do they have to go through the things they go through? Why do they have to endure hurt, depression, and anxiousness? I mean others seemingly have it so much easier. And my girls didn’t do anything to deserve this…so why them? IT. ISN’T. FAIR.
But what is fair? I mean, truly, what is fair? I don’t think a single one of us really knows the meaning of the word. We think fair is the ability to have the same opportunities or material things given to one as another. But it isn’t fair that my daughters have to endure what they endure while someone else doesn’t. So tell me, what is fair?
We sit here and yell and scream about fairness. We stomp our feet because we want the same everything someone else has, the same opportunities, the same stuff. And yet…in the same breath that we shout for fairness, we also shout for differences to be embraced. Is that fair?
So as I sat in that bathroom, I realized I don’t want the world’s version of “fair”. What I want, is God’s version of fair. Was it fair when Job lost everything simply because his faith was being tested? Maybe not to us. Maybe not in our human, finite minds. And maybe not to Job in the moment he was covered in sores with no clear understanding of what was going on. But even in his misery, Job was still faithful. See, God knows us the most intimately, and He knows best what we need and when we need it. And He didn’t make all of us the same, or to all need the exact same lessons at the exact same time. He made us to live cohesively in our differences, filling one another’s gaps. He also made us to endure different hardships at different times knowing what we need to grow, to build our faith, and to rely on him. So God’s fair is giving us what we need when we need it, not what we want when we want it.
By the world’s standards, life isn’t fair. Its hard and messy and it always will be. And truly there are some things that are just not fair: hunger, orphans, widows, illness, persecution. They are hard and enduring trials that we may never understand this side of heaven. But I do know that we serve a just God and his wisdom is far beyond our comprehension. And I also know that God gives us what we need, when we need it, even when we don’t understand it, and that is fair.
James 3:13-17 says, Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.
So when we sit and weigh what we deem fair or unfair, is it from a place of selfish ambition and jealousy or from a place of wisdom? Selfishly, I want Katie better and I want Hannah and Audra to not endure hardships. But from a place of wisdom, I know that on the other side of whatever they face, they will build a faith that can move mountains. That is a gift that far exceeds any worldly fairness I could ever ask for.
I want to talk about something that we are all dealing with. Right. This. Minute.
The Battle.
We all have some sort of battle we are facing right now. It could be unexpected, unavoidable, or self-inflicted. Doesn’t matter how it got there. We are facing it and we have to armor up.
On our unexpected trip to Kansas City (that resulted in a hospital stay), Katie and I were in perpetual worship the whole way there. Katie loves what she calls church songs (worship music). Usually she wants to hear Waymaker or Never Lost or Oceans. But this time she wanted Battle Belongs. And it instantly brought me to tears. God goes before us in battle and He is there long after we leave. We all have times that our hands are tied. We experience hardships when we are at God’s mercy and must rest in His grace no matter the outcome, and our battle plan must be prayer.
But what about the battles that we are called into action to love when it is just plain hard, and may even seem ridiculous to our worldy and simple minds? Ephesians 6:10 says, “Finally be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6 is where we must start for 2 reasons: 1. We gain perspective of who the enemy is; and 2. We discover what we must armor ourselves with.
But instead we start with opinion, spewing hate if we don’t see eye to eye. That is not how God made us.
Today I saw a video of a people in a church building shouting “Let’s Go Brandon!” My heart instantly sank. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a fan of our president. I do not agree with mandates being passed down and at times I have even taken part in the anger and ridicule of our current political state. But this video, in a mere moment, convicted me. What, as Christians, have we come to? We are called to love others without judgement or ridicule. We are in this fleshy, worldly battle filled with misinformation and division. We shout, we hate, we call names and ostracize others if they don’t see things our way. But that is not what we were called to do.
WE ARE CALLED TO BATTLE IN LOVE.
We are called to love my neighbor as myself (Matthew 22:39) and we are also called to love my enemy and those who persecute me (Matthew 5:44). So, what is love then? The Bible says in John 15, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” And then in 1 Corinthians 13 the word says that love is patient and kind. It says that love does not envy or boast. Love isn’t arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way and it is not resentful. So if we are professing to follow Christ, and we are not loving our neighbor or our enemy, if we are angry rude, and resentful, then it is time to check our hearts. We are not living out the Great Commission as we are called to do.
Some of those we shout at don’t know Christ. They are lost and looking for purpose. How are they supposed to find that through us if we refuse to show God’s love? I am not talking about acceptance of sin and untruths that contradict God’s word. I am talking about the truth in love.
Battling in love is not accepting sin. Battling in love is not agreeing with something that is not backed by God’s truth. Battling love is meeting others where they are at just like God does for us. He sets the example, so why do we not imitate it?
I challenge each of you to battle in love this holiday season. How you ask? Meet people where they are at. Befriend them. Don’t tell them about God’s love, show them. Be kind, be patient. Listen. Forgive. Offer gentle truth. Humble yourself even if it takes a million times and a million hidden frustrations. God works big miracles when we are willing and obedient. Pray for the ones around you and ask God to reveal why He has placed them in your life.
Yes, the battle always belongs to God. But God calls us to be His soldiers.
As I sit here, coffee in hand, staring at the screen, all I can think is how absolutely spoiled I am. And I don’t mean that in a #spoiled, trendy kind of way. I mean that in a humbling, on my knees, eyes wide opened, tears streaming down my face kind of way.
We have brothers and sisters in Afghanistan fighting for their lives while I just heated up my 4 hour old coffee in a microwave. What have I ever had the right to complain about? 4 hour old coffee? My internet being down? Having to eat leftovers? My lack of fashionable wardrobe? Hole in my sock? Didn’t make the MercyMe concert? Oh, fall isn’t hear yet and craving pumpkin spice? This is not it. We have not arrived.
Convicted. Humbled. Broken. We are so disconnected from what God has called us to and I am just as guilty as the next person. I am so spoiled by at-your-fingertips technology, my cushy life, and instant gratification that I can’t see past the end of my nose. I’m so-called #livingmybestlife while others may or may not know Christ and are facing a death that may or may not be eternal. This is not what we have been called to do. Our best life is in Christ. Our best life is truth. Our best life is walking by others. Our best life is giving sacrificially for the sake of another to truly know God.
I want you to close your eyes and think about John 15:13 – Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. Picture a soldier, nurse, doctor, humanitarian, missionary, or even someone like you and me. Someone who volunteered to head to Afghanistan to aid in the ongoing efforts to fight terrorism, or lets label it what it really is, evil. And then I want you to picture a parent, desperate to free a child from that evil even if it means giving their life, passing their child over razor wire because they have a better chance to live in the hands of a stranger.
They aren’t worried about pumpkin spice anything. They aren’t worried about mask or no mask. They aren’t worried about vaccinated or unvaccinated. They aren’t worried about republican or democrat. They are worried about survival. Now let me take this one step further, and continue with this non-trendy, unpopular opinion. Christ didn’t die for one, he died for all. We tend to forget who that includes: the people who have a differing view as you, the lost souls serving in the Taliban, our government officials being persuaded, those shouting “let them die!”, and every other person that walks the earth. The drug addicts, the sex offenders, the homeless, the fatherless. All of them. There is not one God wouldn’t leave the 99 for.
You know what I think? The greatest deceit from the enemy is disconnectedness. Its aloofness. Its complacency. Its shouting amongst one another in our cushy lives so we don’t see the enemy sewing hate, anger, and discord. It is time to call it what it really is. It is time to call out the evil. In BIG ways. Because the evil isn’t hiding anymore. Its like prime time television, for all to see.
The greatest weapon you and I have is prayer. And you better armor up and get to battle. Because the war is coming. How do you battle? On your knees. And it isn’t “just prayer”. Its PRAYER. Fight with it through the Word:
2 Corinthians 10:5 – We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and TAKE EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE to obey Christ. What does this mean? It means you examine your opinions, you compare it to what God says is right and ask yourself and the Spirit if it is true to His character. Study God’s word for that is how you know His character. God has loved you where you are at, so you should to others. That’s how you save lives.
Ephesians 6:11-18 – Put on the whole armor of God. Every piece. You are about to step into a battle. And you are drawing on the greatest weapon known to man. Fervent prayer.
1 Thessalonians 5:17 – PRAY WITHOUT CEASING. Don’t stop. It speaks for itself. And if you feel tempted to argue, to fall into the trap of right and wrong opinion, circle back to 2 Corinthians 10:5. Take those thoughts captive. The enemy will do what he can to trip you up.
You may not be called to help Afghanistan. You may be called to help the incarcerated, the addicts, the single parents, the homeless, the parentless children or the sex offenders, and the list goes on. There is no one God won’t use and no one God can’t and won’t reach. WE ARE THE ONES WHO CATAGORIZE WHO THE SAVED SHOULD BE. And its past time to get up, armor up, and soldier on.
It is past time to pray for protection for the persecuted and to love the ones we deem “unlovable”.
That’s how you stop the evil and allow God to save the unsaved.
Happy Saturday morning, friends! As I was sitting here doing some brainstorming I was also attempting to upload a photo to give you a visual of today’s workspace. After 3 failed attempts and a frozen screen I heard, Thewordsaremoreimportantthan thephoto. Put the words on paper child.
Yes, Abba.
I’m not gonna lie, I was getting really frustrated. LIKE REALLY FRUSTRATED. Stupid technology. And honestly, frustration has been my go-to emotion lately. Frustrated that the house isn’t clean, frustrated that I can’t accomplish everything I have set in a week, frustrated that the dogs keep barking, frustrated that the kids won’t listen, and frankly I am frustrated that supper just won’t cook itself. All of this “technology” and I can’t get supper that cooks itself?? Pitiful.
That list of junk is exactly why God has brought me into a season of gratitude. I have been so focused on the to-do’s and have-to’s of life that I am missing out on the joys and blessings of the right now.
About a week ago I was at Barnes and Noble (best smelling store ever, like books, millions of books) because the girls had asked for a new book. Side note: books are not something I say no to, though I do filter the content they read. Anyway, Katie and I are over looking at the devotions because that is what she wanted. As we perused the Christian section, I found a book that read The Weekly Gratitude Project. I picked it up, glanced at the inside, set it back down and continued to help sis. But I could not get that book off my heart. After helping Katie pick out the devotional she wanted, I stood still for a moment and turned to God, “If you are bringing me into a new season, show me where I need to be.”
Gratitude, my love. You needto focusyourenergyon gratitude.
Again, yes Abba.
As I did some self reflection, God was exactly right (obviously). I worry about the next best thing, the farmhouse style craze, the bathroom updates, the clothes I wear, the way my kids look, and heaven knows what else, all out of fear of judgement from others. When what I need to be doing is offering continuous thanks for what my family and I have been blessed with. I have an amazing and loving family and friends circle, a home that is well lived-in and peaceful, a good career and the opportunity to honor God in it, the ability to provide for my kids, and a Father who loves me unconditionally.
WHY AM I WORRIED ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE??
God revealed Romans 12:2 to me in a new light, a light of gratitude. Donotbeconformedtothisworld,but betransformedby therenewalof your mind. Be in the world, not of it. We all know this in our minds, but do we know it in our hearts? God showed me 5 areas where an attitude of gratitude needs applied in my life. I want to share them with you.
Find gratitude in everything, even the hardships. James 1:2-4. In my frustrations it is hard to be thankful. The gratitude comes in the lessons God reveals to us in our hardships. Count it ALL joy.
Seek the servanthood in others. 1 Thessalonians 5:15-18. Seek to do good. Seek to see the good. And give thanks for all of it. Sometimes it’s hard to see the good in others when we focus on physical, or even personality, attributes and faults. We must examine the heart, ours and others. See the servanthood in the people around you and don’t let the humanness get in the way.
Stand grateful in the gap. Philippians 4:6-7. We either experience hardships or know someone who is. In those times, it can be so hard to pray and give thanks. Stand in the gap with your sister. Pray for her in and with thanksgiving.
Be thankful in opportunity. Romans 12:9-21. We learn the marks of a true Christian through these verses. We are blessed with opportunities DAILY to be able to express love for one another, honor, and joy. ESPECIALLY NOW. We are in unprecedented times, and we are called to love the unlovable, not stand in selfish pride.
Rejoice in every moment. Psalm 118:24. If we focus on the to-do’s of tomorrows, we miss the blessings of the right-now’s. God made EVERY DAY, not just the tomorrows. Each one is a gift, a gift to be thankful for.
I don’t know where you’re at on your gratitude journey, or if you are even on one. Your season may be very different. But you know what? That season is still one to be THANKFUL for. I know I am changing in my gratitude walk daily. And it takes a constant reminder from the Holy Spirit not to get lost in frustration.
FeedYourself, Girl! with joy and gratitude. I hope you can be thankful for the rainbows through the rain, and grateful for the right-now’s.
Being in pajamas early and having some time to relax has been somewhat normal for me lately. Currently that is where I am at, hair unwashed, make up still on, in a red set of one-piece pajamas that I got at a thrift store in Westcliffe. You know, like the long underwear you see in the movies with the trap door in the back? These pajamas are kinda like that. They do not (sad face) have a trap door in the back, but they do have a missing button on the top…and a pocket! They are a little too short in the legs and a little too big in the waist. They don’t fit me perfectly, yet somehow they are still quite comfortable. And I enjoy wearing them.
I can relate this awesome thrift-store-find to the season of life I am in. God has brought me into a season of listening. Listening…truly listening…is something that I struggle with, something that doesn’t seem to fit me quite right. I am the one with the solutions, the answers. I am constantly chasing the next advancement, the next best thing. I am the overthinker with all of the possible scenarios and ideas, and listening sometimes (most times) is not my forte. Thrift store pajamas have never been my forte either. Yet here we are, listening…in thrift store pajamas. And I am at peace with where He has brought me even if I feel like its a little awkward.
I am tired of going a million miles an hour and I am ready to listen.
The world says pursue, chase the big corporation and the big title. The world says gain, you’ll find fulfillment in more money and more stuff. The world says strive and everything you have will make you content. So we listen to the world and we pray for worldy things and then….
BAM! We get there and before you know it we start chasing the next best thing ALL OVER AGAIN for our own gain and our own glory, just to be left empty when its all said and done.
How many times have you looked for the next best thing? How many times have you pushed to advance? How many times have you pursued, strived, gained, hustled, labored, and dug in just to get a little more ahead? Just to get more stuff? It is where we become overworked, overtired, and unfulfilled. Gain with no satisfaction. All the while we ignore what God has to say. We tell ourselves, I want the best most expensive pajamas because I will sleep better at night.
I sleep just fine in my 5-dollar-thrift-store-find, just so you know.
I’ve been brought low, to a place where I have to listen to what God has to say. As much as I feel like it doesn’t fit because I am so used to chasing all the things, God says differently. I am ok with that. God says, don’t pursue, be content where I place you (James 1:2, Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds). Don’t gain, be fulfilled with what I give you (Philippians 4:11, Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content). Don’t strive, be thankful for how I’ve blessed you (2 Corinthians 12:9, But he said to me, my grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness). Don’t glorify self, do everything to the best of your ability with the gifts I have given to you (Psalm 115:1, Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness; Ephesians 2:10, For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God has prepared in advance for us to do). All we have to do is just listen. It is that easy and it is that profound.
I am tired of the chase and I am ready for what God has to say, loud and clear. I no longer want to push for the next best thing, but I want to open my eyes to where God has placed me and I want to honor Him through that. I want to feel all the feelings, smell all the smells, walk by all the people, do all the work, and listen to all the things in this season that I have been placed in. I want the discomfort of growth and the revelation of self-reflection.
I want the thrift store pajamas. They aren’t any less valuable or any less fulfilling.
What season does God have you in, sister?
Proverbs 2:1-5, My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.
Have you ever wondered what we look like trying to do life completely on our own? We look like a modern day Peter, attempting to walk on water with anything and everything we could possibly put our worldy faith in. The paddle of sin that steers us in the completely wrong direction. The floatation device of our own power, that basically allows us to just tread water. The lantern of our own knowledge that only gets us as far as every trashy romance novel that we have ever read.
In Matthew 14 Peter tells Jesus, “Lord if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” Jesus says come and though Peter comes, he hesitates and begins to sink. The thing with us women is, is sometimes we don’t even request for God to tell us to come out of the boat, we just do it on our own will and strength. We just step out there. With all this junk and no faith except in our own capabilities. Do you know what results from that? Insecurity, anxiety, addiction, depression, loneliness. You name it, its there. The enemy whispers it in our ear. And we believe it. We believe it enough that we sink into the depths of darkness because we were dependent on our own power…or lack thereof.
Each testimony that you encounter in your life has hardships and hurt and sin. Some of it is self-inflicted and some of it is not. They are full of ups and downs. They contain a boldness that can only from one Source. They carry victory and joy and light. The light of the world.
The light of Jesus.
John 1:1-4 says, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made. In him was life, and life was the light of men.”
That Word is Jesus, he has always been and always will be. He is with God and is God. The Word (Jesus) Is the light of men.
To truly appreciate the light, you have to understand the darkness. And what it means to be rescued.
I have battled on and off for a long time. Specifically, since the age of 8 when night terrors started. I had teenage years that harbored hurt and hardship. I was a high school statistic, getting pregnant my senior year and barely graduating. I was a single parent of 3 girls wondering how I would make it. I was a college drop-out thinking I needed a degree to be someone so I could be defined by the world’s standards. I was a relationship-jumper (friendships included) thinking I wasn’t worth someone’s love. I was a mother who was angered with God for the hand she was dealt and because He allowed my child to become sick. I allowed TV, magazines, and social media to define my worth.
I lost my faith in God and humanity. It just gradually deteriorated as life progressed. At 13 I strayed from the church. At 15 I was engaging in acts a 15-year-old should not be. At 17 I was pregnant. By 20 I was pregnant again. This time with a child that was diagnosed with Down Syndrome and Atrial Septal Defect. At 21 my then-husband was fighting in the war in Iraq and we (meaning the platoon and the spouses) endured mass casualties and a horrific helicopter crash. At 22 I was pregnant again with my 3rd daughter. By 25 I had burned through marriage. At 26 my middle daughter was diagnosed with leukemia. At 27 I was in constant battles with my ex-husband. At 28 I was battling financial stress from a sick child and my own dumb choices. By the time I hit 29 I was done. I had come to the end of myself. In a time span of less than 20 years I was tired and spent.
Everything that I did or didn’t do fell tremendously short of getting me out of the state I was in. Just completely hopeless.
January 4, 2009 I was in the hospital up in Garden City, standing by Katie as she was sleeping. We had been there for a few hours already with no diagnosis. She had been running a fever with major leg pain and little “bruises” all over her legs. The day before we had gone shopping and she did not want to walk. I thought she was being defiant. So I spanked her bottom. It has haunted me to this day.
When the doctors finally came in, it was after midnight. He told us he was fairly certain that Kaitlin had leukemia. So certain that he had us pack up to Colorado Springs immediately to see an oncologist by 10 a.m. the next morning.
I was SO ANGRY at God. I cried out WHY, WHY DID YOU ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO HER?! Anger and hurt flooded every crevice of my body and soul it felt like. And shortly after that it was fight or flight mode. It was time to do what I needed for her, within my own power of course. So we packed everything up. Our lives changed overnight. My brother and his wife, bless them, dropped everything they had to take us to Colorado so we could concentrate on Katie. I didn’t know it then, but I know now that they showed me the purest form of selfless love. And that only comes from one place.
For 26 grueling months we endured chemo treatments, bone marrow biopsies, and bouts of RSV that resulted in lengthy hospital stays. As a single parent I endured pay and hour cuts, struggling to make ends meet. Part of it from the nature of the beast and part of it from trying to fill a hurt through material things that didn’t get me anything but more debt. I was going through a horrible divorce and we were at each other’s throats more than we were civil. All while trying to heal this child that did nothing but love.
Finally in March of 2011 Katie was declared in remission. But my aloofness to God remained.
It took one ridiculous fight in September of 2011 to finally break me. The girls had gone to stay with their dad and out of the blue I was being blamed for a bout of stomach issues Katie had. It really was pretty dumb. I had no fight left in me. I was broke, broken, and tired. I had reached the end of myself, my own power. It was mid-afternoon that same day, with the sun streaming in the kitchen, the beams warming up the kitchen floor that I hit my knees and cried. Through the tears I whispered. “Please help me.”
That is all it took. One act of total submission in the most humbling way. And God walked right in, as if to say, “What took you so long, my child?”
My life changed that day, but not in the way you may think. It wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies and this magnificent, sudden change that magically poured down like fairy dust. No. God isn’t a God of granting wishes and fulfilling instant gratification. God is Abba. Daddy. The kind of Father you crawl into the lap of and gain strength from. The kind of Father that covers you in peace when the world seems nothing but tumultuous. The kind of Father that rebukes your sin and still loves you through it. I was pulled out of the darkness that day. My change was the beginning of a road that held triumph and failure, but with it came truth and strength and peace and joy that can only come from the Almighty.
My faith allowed God’s redemption. It allowed me to go from darkness to light. That doesn’t mean I don’t still try to pick up my worldly junk and carry it on my own. Paddle of sin and all. Its just that now I know that I don’t have to.
See, faith isn’t about the religion. It isn’t about how much scripture you can memorize or how many books of the Bible you’ve read or any of the “things” they tell you that you should do. Not that you shouldn’t do those things. You should, but they should be driven by faith, faith without works is dead. Faith is about the dependence on, and the relationship with, the One who created you. It is about the state of the heart.
My heart knows that my sin is no greater or less than any of yours. My darkness was no more or less deep than yours. My redemption was no more or less powerful than yours. And the same goes for every woman that reads this.
I want to say it doesn’t matter what you’ve done because, in some ways it doesn’t. But the truth of it is, your past, the things you have walked through, and what you have done set you up. Those things set you up for who God is making you and where he is about to take you! But you are NEVER so far gone that you are beyond the reach of God. All we have to do is ask, even if its only a whisper. It’s the state of the heart. And God hears our whisper and He sees our heart. That is where he meets us in our messes and He loves us right out of them.
God just knew what I needed to break me, and what I had to endure to chose Him. Not that He made it, but in some ways, like Job, He allowed it. I had to come to the end of myself.
My heart knows now Who holds the light of life.
10 years ago in September I recommitted my life to Christ. 10 years ago on December 4 I was baptized.
Since that day I have not lived anywhere near perfect and it has not been easy. Don’t mistake walking with Christ for a life of ease and blessings. It isn’t always easy and it doesn’t always feel blessed. The difference is that everything you endure, from trials to triumphs, comes with a peace that surpasses all understanding. A knowing that God is going to take care of you if you allow it. We have to chose Him, and some days its easy. And other days its choosing him second by second to get you through the hard stuff.
But no matter what, you are not alone. God is there. And He sends people into your life. He sends them into the dark moments you endure so that their light can help rekindle yours. We are not made to walk alone. In the very beginning God said as he spoke of Adam, it is not good for man to be alone, so God gave Adam Eve. The first friendship, the first marriage. We are made to do life together. With others, and most of all, with Jesus.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust,” Psalm 91:1-2. My Refuge. My Fortress. One is safe, the other secure. Both words of comfort that offer peace.
I don’t feel very peaceful right now. And I’m not doing a very good job of dwelling in the shelter of the Most High either.
The truth is, today was junk. I could sit here and tell you all of the reasons why it was junk, but to be completely honest every single one boils down to the messiness of humans, me included. I have had thoughts of inconvenience when I shouldn’t, mumbled under my breath about people who have irritated me, said hurtful things to others, and am angry at other people’s actions that are completely out of my control. I can’t even control myself, what makes me think I have the right to even TRY to dictate someone else’s actions? Ha, laughable. What a mess I am.
So I came home and I laid on the bed and I stewed. I didn’t even pray. Just stewed. I counted the ways I was wronged and rehashed all sorts of unfairness over multiple situations. And as a headache set in, it occurred to me my stewing was hurting no one but myself. Like a 2 year old and a tantrum. This fit is getting me nowhere and I don’t feel any better but I am going to do it anyway! Again, ha, laughable. So I got up. I took the junk day that I was carrying around off of my shoulders, and said, “Show me, God. Show me where to change. Show me how to have a right heart even when I feel wronged. Show me Your love so that I can show others. Show me where you want me to be.”
He simply answered, “Write. Psalm 91.”
I walked to the shower, washed off my sour mood, and worshipped. Then I walked over to my bed, sat down, and opened my Bible and my computer. I read Psalm 91 in its entirety (not that its that long) and wept. I don’t have peace because I am not in my dwelling place. I didn’t treat others right because I wasn’t in my dwelling place. I didn’t offer humility because I wasn’t in my dwelling place. I can’t fight the flesh or the enemy if I am not in my dwelling place. How can my life feel safe and secure if I am NOT IN MY DWELLING PLACE??? I can’t. There is no way. My Protection is in my dwelling place.
Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place -the Most High, who is my refuge-no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent. For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. Psalm 91:9-11
Yeah, convicted. 100% I was wrong. Why? Because I chose my humanness over God’s refuge and strength that I have full access to. God gives me safety, security, and peace so why am I choosing to do it my way? Cause I’m mad? Didn’t work out for me. Not in the least.
We all endure days or cycles of life that don’t feel safe or secure. We make a mistake or we say things we shouldn’t in our humanness that can flip the day upside down in an instant. Or we make a choice that changes life as we had planned it. Life isn’t safe or secure. It isn’t guaranteed. Its messy and we are going to have junk days.
What we do have is a God that never leaves us or forsakes us. He is our refuge and our strength. He is our Deliverer. He is our Help. The only thing we have to do is abide in Him. Go to the dwelling place. God takes it. And it doesn’t matter if its junk that is self-inflicted or junk that was thrown on you, if its old junk or new junk, light junk or heavy junk, He takes it all.
So sister, where is your heart today? Are you letting the anger of politics, work, media, and other people pull you from your dwelling place? That’s where the enemy wants you, unsafe and unsecure. Or are you abiding in the Shelter of the Most High allowing Him to take the load?
Come to me, all who are labor and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-29.
feed yourself, girl 