feed yourself, girl

We have all heard the lyrics from Lauren Daigle’s Rescue, right? “I will send out an army to find you in the middle of the darkest night, its true, I will rescue you.”

I want to break this down for you before we dive too deep:

1. Our rescue is Jesus Christ. He is our redemption. It is not within our humanly, earthly power to rescue anyone, Romans 10:9-13.
2. God will send willing people, with the power of the Holy Spirit, into the darkest places to walk with His lost sheep out of the dark, 1 Corinthians 12:27 & Romans 10:15.

So with that being said, let’s talk about what it means to be a sister in Christ, a soldier. Let’s talk about what it means to link arms and fight an enemy. Let’s talk about what it means to knowingly walk into the dark, sent by a Higher Power, to find the woman that is stuck there. Let’s talk about the kind of love and trust that it takes to walk into those places.

Growing up, I didn’t make the best decisions. And I’ve told you before at 13 I strayed from the church and from the Lord. Decision making was not my forte. AT ALL. Nor did I have many friends that were faithful Christians. Sure, we all went youth group at times, but in a town of less than a thousand people it was the only thing to do on Wednesday nights. I cannot remember a time in all my poor decision-making that there ever were words of Truth. I mean, yes, people said things that were true, but they weren’t God’s truth. They weren’t from a place of caring. It was from a place of judgement. And despite the self-inflicted wounds of poor decisions, the judgement still hurt. I never knew what it meant to really walk beside a friend through the junk to come out on the other side. I never knew what it meant to walk in the dark beside a friend, in the “for better or worse” of friendships. I never received friendship like that, and I never offered a friendship like that.

Not until I was in my 30’s. And now the word friendship has offered a whole new meaning.

Think about your friends. Are you willing to walk beside them in addiction, abortion, arrest, divorce, infidelity, etc? Are you willing to speak the hard truths, and follow up on those hard truths? Are you willing to pick her up when she’s hit rock bottom? Are you willing to put on a pot of coffee in the middle of the night and listen to the hurt in her heart that may very well be self-inflicted? Because its easier to lift someone up when life knocks them down, but not as easy when the wounds are self-inflicted.

We have all walked beside friends in different phases of life. Some are joys and some are struggles. But its the hardest ones, the times full of self-inflicted pain, where we are needed the most. WE BETTER BE WILLING TO PUT ON THE ARMOR OF GOD, WALK INTO THE MESS OF DARKNESS, AND WALK OUR SISTER OUT. It doesn’t mean condoning their sin. It doesn’t mean encouraging it. It means walking into the mess, armed with the Holy Spirit and girded in truth, linking your arm in hers, and walking you both back into the light. Galatians 6 says to bear one another’s burdens. And it tells us EXACTLY how we need to walk our sister out.

“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For is anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load.

Let the one who is taught the word share all good things with the one who teaches. Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.”

It doesn’t say bear one another’s burdens if they aren’t self inflicted. It doesn’t say restore them only if the transgressions are not “their fault”. Bearing a burden and restoration are not conditional items. The blood of the Lamb covered all of our sins.

I think about Saul who became Paul, when Ananias was sent to lay hands on Saul to restore his sight after the Lord blinded him on the road to Damascus, Ananias was hesitant. Really hesitant. Acts 9:13,

“But Ananias answered, ‘Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints at Jerusalem. And here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call on your name.‘

But the Lord said to him, ‘Go, for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name.'”

OH BOY. Saul was a murderous soldier, while Ananias was a soldier of light. And both were being used by God.

Here is the truth, we are all hesitant to walk into the dark. Its a scary place. And more times than not we don’t want to. But when the Lord says go, you go. When the Lord says you better lay hands on that murderer to restore their sight because I have a plan and they will carry my name, you better do it. When the Lord says armor up and walk by your sister, you better don that armor and roll out lady. Because God doesn’t place those women in your life for you to leave them blind. He puts them there to love, to lift up, to restore, and for both of you to walk side by side.

So, sister, be ready. Be on guard. Be a soldier of light. Be ready to battle in dark places. Be ready to be sent into the depths of darkness for the sake of your sister. Be ready to know what true love and true friendship look like. The kind of love that walks into the dark on purpose is exactly what Christ did for us on the cross. Everything self inflicted that we have done and will do Jesus took upon himself on that hill. On that cross. On purpose.

So I want to ask you, who are you and I to turn on our sister when Christ never turned on us? The truth is, we all have our dark times. We are going to need women willing to walk beside us. Because none of us are immune.

Remember, love covers a multitude of sin.

Ok, I have been hammered with conviction this week. I am completely embarrassed to say, but last night after rolling blackouts, energy issues, and a polar vortex I took to social media to express my concerns. That was after I had emailed local and state government offering a “call to action to legislate at the state level against the dictatorship coming out of Washington D.C.”

Yep, those are the words I used in more than one emailed communication and on social media. And after, I was ashamed. Not because of hate from others or because I felt I was misinformed, but because I let worry drive my actions. I allowed myself to lose focus on what God is doing and tried to persuade others that are not persuadable, perceived wrong or not. I was driven by my own emotion.

How often do we do that? ALL THE TIME. And I am completely guilty of it. I worry about my job, the state of our country, my husband, my kids, you name it. And for what? What good does it do? None. Whatsoever. But I can just brush off the worry, right? No. No I cannot. When we face circumstances that are completely out of our hands, we worry. It is part of our broken nature. We tend to turn to our own human “power” because we have to “do something.” Worry ends up being that something.

And then, get this….we hold onto it. Like its some great treasure we found and we get to keep it and do whatever we want with it. “LOOK WHAT I FOUND! ITS WORRY AND ITS MINE! Isn’t it shiny and pretty??”

No Karen ( I love all Karens), worry is not shiny and pretty. Its awful. It hurts. It makes us sick, sinful. Worry says God is a liar, and that is a hard pill to swallow as a worrier. Convicted.

We like to tote worry around in our favorite handbag, murse (man purse for those that don’t know and yeah, its a thing), briefcase, or backpack. Then when we FINALLY decide to let it go, we hang on to one little strap so we can pull it back from God. “Ok God, this is not turning out like I thought, maybe I should just take it back. After all, its mine!” We become too focused on the issue, the pain, the loss, the unknown and we no longer trust the One who created us. Oh you of little faith.

Yeah, I went there.

“Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why do you doubt?” Matthew 14:28-31

Peter called out to Jesus with enough faith to step out of the boat, yet as the situation called to anchor into that very faith, Peter started to worry, to doubt, to pull back and let the anxiousness of the situation take over instead of keeping his eyes on Jesus. And yet even as he sank, he cried out for Jesus to save him. Oh, is that not us 100 times?! I often step out of the boat only to go buy my own yellow rubber ducky floaty that unknowingly has a hole in it and attempt to keep my head above water while steering my own course with one broken paddle. Behold! I am sinking in a rubber water fowl flotation device while rowing a very ridiculous circle! Look at me go!

Lets be honest. We look so absurd trying to do this life all. On. Our. Own. God says focus on Me. Use My yoke. Talk to Me. Cast your cares upon Me. Just let Me. Here is My peace. Here is My spirit. Here is My son. All for you because I am so in love with you. He offers us all of that even as we sink in our own mess of worry, in our own mess of sin.

God’s timing is amazing. In our worry and battles against self, He knows what we need exactly when we need it. As I am laying these thoughts out, my dear friend sends me this message even as she is in her own mess trying to keep focused on God and not her faulty floaty: “It may look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by You. This is how I fight my battles.”

YES! Exactly. We fight our battle of worry on our knees. Last night I fought it with a tongue that I should never have. I should have hit my knees. If I can’t hit my knees in small spats on social media because I am worried, am I going to do hit my knees when the big things come? Why do I think I can control the small things and only use God for the big things? That isn’t how He works. Philippians 4:6 says, Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made know to God.” Scripture doesn’t specify small or large. It doesn’t say come with anger but handle your worry on your own. It says IN EVERYTHING BY PRAYER. Why do we try to handle it any other way?

What do you need to give to God today? Put up the paddle and fix your eyes, girly!

I had not planned on writing anything on this blog for awhile. Why? Because I am working on another project that I should have started a year ago and didn’t. Now I am 20 pages into that project and it is liberating!

Ok, don’t get off track here Cindy.

I had not planned to write anything, and I am home sick. Its ok, it is only a head cold but I don’t want to go out in public and scare the masses with my sniffling and sneezing and swollen eyes during a pandemic. That would not be good.

God has laid something heavy on my soul and it needs to be shared.

We are all broken messes. We know that in our minds. BUT do you know that in your heart? Let me elaborate.

I used to think, oh yes, we are all broken messes. Yep. That’s right. God will fix us.

I knew it in my mind. But I didn’t know it in my heart. In the same breath that I proclaimed that God healed all of us broken messes, I would curse the drug addict living next door. I am not proud of it. In any way. But let me tell you how God can change a heart.

I have never liked neighbors that I have perceived to run drugs. I have smelled marijuana, seen needles lying around, and have found makeshift bongs in the trash. I have even seen people rummaging through my garbage for pills. I always feared for my kids and the security of our home. YET I never did anything about it except maybe call the cops a couple times.

“Normal”, right? Yep.

But I was made to be set apart, not normal.

One day I was working at a home who’s owner had just died, painting with others because the exterior was in desperate need of a face lift. It was warm out and I was getting thirsty and hungry. The back door opened and I was handed a glass that held a watermelon margarita by a man who had a humbled look on his face. I knew this individual was an addict. I’d seen it, seen the evidence. I had expected the loathing to well up inside of me, but it didn’t. In that moment I saw a man who had just lost the mother that he loved and he was offering a gift of gratitude. I no longer saw an addict.

That was the first time God softened my heart to addicts.

Not long after my gratitude encounter I was sitting in a booth at a restaurant doing Bible study. An individual that worked there came over and started talking to me. I had talked to her many times before. But this time God had laid something on her heart. In the span of an hour I had heard about her struggle, her hurt, and how God released her from her addiction. It is one of the most powerful testimonies I had ever heard. She was radiant, and I knew what Light it was that she was projecting. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. You want to talk about eyes wide open and humbled. Wow.

That was the second time God softened my heart to addicts.

After those two encounters, I saw addiction and the people who struggled with it in a whole new light. God knew what I needed to be beautifully broken. I was defining God’s children by their addiction, not by who God made them to be.

But now. Now I see things so much more clearly. Addiction is a symptom of something greater. Hurt, trauma, whatever you want to call it. It is there. And those of us who are set apart are called to help the hurting.

I was the one who needed broken in that moment, not them. I was so conditioned to “normal” that I could not look past their addiction and my own selfish heart. We are called to be set apart. We are called to do the hard things. We are called to walk in the dark places shining the light of Christ. We are called to do the work with no conditions.

1 Peter 4:8 says Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Love covers a multitude of sins. Like when Christ died on the cross to wash ALL of our sins clean because he LOVED us unconditionally? Yes. Exactly like that. Jesus was not a conditional sacrifice. So who are we to pick and chose who we show Christ’s light to? We cannot.

Today I want to challenge you. Where does God need to beautifully break you? Where is your heart hard? Every beautifully broken piece is part of a testimony that God will use!

Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Tonight I asked Hannah if she would sit and write with me. Not because I had writers block or wasn’t inspired. No. It was because of her own spiritual journey that is unfolding right under our roof that has inspired me.

Hannah gets anxiety. Some nights to the point of giving herself insomnia. Pair that with your normal teenage issues and WHEW, some days this house needs some holy water and sage. Truth be told though, each time she struggles her faith grows just a little bit more and experiencing it along side of her is a beautiful thing.

She has just come out of a bout of anxiety and “teenage-ness”. The biggest battle she has had recently is whether to try to fit in or stand out. The choice is hard enough as an adult, let alone in the mind of a growing child. Especially a child that has a growing faith like she does. While she prays daily, seeks for truth in the word and loves God, she still has daily battles before her. Learning to be set apart attending public school in the age of social media and instant gratification is nowhere near easy. Add to that the yearning to be accepted by her peers and she just gets anxious.

As I sit here across from her and ask her input, she is still very much a teenage girl, with some witty remarks and laughter. Let me set the stage of realness here:

Me: Hannah, how do you feel knowing that God made you for this time and this purpose?

Hannah: Mom, its hard to answer you when Katie is sitting here picking her nose and eating Cheetos.

Me:…..

Hannah: Ok, ok… I know we all have a purpose. And that God made us for this specific thing. I still get anxiety, but I also have peace if that makes sense.

Me: It does. When you have anxiety or are in your teenage-ness, what turns you to God?

Hannah: Just realizing that life is a lot easier with God rather than trying to do it by myself. What I do doesn’t work and I usually get in trouble.

Me: I agree with you completely. Why do you sometimes turn away from that?

Hannah: Because sometimes I can be selfish. And I want to be accepted and fit in.

WOW. It doesn’t get any more real. And how often can we relate? If a 16-year-old girl can comprehend that life with God brings peace and is usually easier than life without God, what are we doing?? I mean seriously. We are supposed to have faith like a child right? Faith without question that brings a peace that surpasses all understanding. At the same time, we want to be accepted by our peers. Do we sometimes compromise our faith for acceptance? Or do we feel singled out when we live set apart?

We often are blinded by world values and social media noise and our own ego of being right. Especially in times such as now. Yet we forget who we are called to be. The son or daughter of the Most High, bearing a child-like faith, and living set apart. We are currently egotistical and divided. Leave it to a child to bring it back to the fundamentals of Christianity.

That is where we should be living, set apart with faith like a child. Today, that is what I am doing. Starting now.

I am in awe of this human that God blessed me with. I feel that way about all of my girls. Faith like Katie, wisdom like Hannah, and strength like Audra. It is a beautiful thing.

Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it. Luke 18:17

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. 1 Peter 2:9

Sometimes an empty table is the greatest blessing you can have…

Do you ever have those moments when you realize that you will never grasp the truly complete fullness of God?

Yeah, me too. All the time.

He is so sovereign and so massive, I don’t think I will ever be able to grasp His fullness. And I don’t know if we are meant to.

But today He blessed me with a very large, full part of how truly great He is. And He did it while I stared at an empty table.

First of all let me tell you, our home isn’t huge, and I have lots of furniture and what-not everywhere. But it’s our home and God has blessed us so abundantly. Well, today my gracious husband allowed me to use his manly, rustic, woodsy-themed man cave to host a ladies brunch. Because undoubtedly it’s the only room in the house big enough to accompany 15 women. So, by 11 a.m. this man cave adorned copious amounts of pink things, fufu stuff, floral arrangements, scones, and cupcakes. Bless this man’s heart and I thank the Lord for him. He gave up his man cave so I could do girl things.

That’s love y’all.

I was blessed by some very dear ladies from my church family during our brunch time. And when I say ladies from my church family, I mean the multi-cultural, multi-generational, all differences aside, let’s be the church type of family. They allowed me to serve them, to talk with them, to share with them, to laugh with them, and to cry with them.

And oh did God move.

Two and a half hours later I stood in the basement alone looking at the chairs left haphazardly from my sisters leaving, flowers, plates, and cups still on the table. Not a soul around. The Empty Table. And I felt God’s fullness more than I had in a long time. Where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am with them. Matthew 18:20

Oh yes Lord, you were. And we are thankful.

You see, that empty table at the end of our time together stood as a symbol. A symbol of togetherness. A symbol of love. With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2 You see, I in no way set that table. No ma’am. God did. He set it and then He blessed it.

I am so thankful for the women God has put in my life. He knows the vessels we need in our life. The people willing to speak truth to us, encourage us, cry with us, and just do all-around life with us.

He knows. Completely.

The table is an important symbol in our homes, our churches, our missions, and our lives. We invite others around them. They are intimate symbols of doing life together. Though at some point that table will be empty, God shows us that the people we have invited and loved around that table leaves an everlasting imprint.

Dear Loving Father,

Thank you for your sovereignty, your love, and your grace, Lord.  Today I pray for my sister. That she may seek you in all she does, Lord. Please give her peace, protection, perseverance, and wisdom in her daily life Lord. And Lord, please guide her in continuing to be a blessing in her home, her church, her career, and her mission. Lord I ask that you bless her table and those she invites around it.

In Jesus name,

Amen

P.S. Lord, bless the husbands who put their man stuff aside so out of love for their wives so that we may do girl things. They are a true blessing.

A couple weeks ago I had mentioned talking about inadequacy. As I sat down to put pen to paper that is EXACTLY what I felt. Inadequate. I could have positioned myself to write about anything else this evening. And yet the only thing I could muster up were thoughts of inadequacy.

So…here we are (insert awkward silence here). Yep, awkward.

We can feel so inadequate can’t we? We aren’t thin enough or we don’t have curves in the right places. We aren’t smart enough or successful enough. We don’t have a glamourous job. We wore jeans to church instead of something more “appropriate”. We don’t have a spotless home. We aren’t creative or crafty enough. We don’t cook supper on time. We aren’t fashionably sensible. We aren’t in the right “friend group.” We aren’t well-liked. We can’t get these KIDS under control. We must be empowered by the world’s standards. These are real insecurities we face, THEY ARE NOT TRIVIAL because they weigh on us almost daily. Not to mention the insecurities can run into our faith as well. We are too broken. We don’t pray enough. We don’t serve enough. We don’t sit in awe enough. We don’t worship enough. We aren’t deserving enough of God’s love.

Do any of these sound familiar to you? Yeah, me too girl. I wrestle daily with where the heck the world’s standards and God’s standards meet…when I know they don’t.

But honestly, today I felt completely inadequate as I sat down to write. I went to church and felt like I looked ok. I cooked for others and my family. I spent time with loved ones and tended to animals. I did homework that was due and wrote down my weekly to-do. All the things the world says I should do decently, I did. And yet…the inadequacy I felt when I wanted to write about ANYTHING BUT inadequacy was too strong to ignore.

So I turned on Here Again and sat in stillness and listened (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyjdUKMSM4E).

I’m not enough unless You come, will you meet me here again? Cause all I want is all You are, will You meet me here again?

God said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

And I sat here in my weakness and inadequacy, completely in awe of God’s message.

I am inadequate. I was born into sin. I have a sinful nature. And I will never live up to the world’s standards. But guess what? I am redeemed. I am loved. I am a child of a loving Father. And all I have to do is ask God to show up in my inadequateness, AND THEN….then I become more than enough. I become strong. I become wise. I become joyful. I become gentle. I become humble. I become adequate. All because of God’s presence. All because of God’s love. All because of God’s sovereignty. My inadequacy is a vessel for His power.

Why in the rush do we forget God’s sovereignty? Where in the worry of keeping up with the narrative as women do we lose God’s love? What do we gain from keeping up with the world? Let me clarify this for you – We are inadequate as servants of the Lord and we need Him to be completely adequate, however; WE WILL NOT COUNT OURSELVES INADEQUATE BY THE WORLD’S STANDARDS ANY LONGER. The world didn’t make us so why does the world get to set our standards? Exactly. The world doesn’t. Its time to put your foot down sister, and use God’s power to do it.

Sit in stillness. Listen to His voice. For my power is made perfect in weakness. It’s time for us to see ourselves through the eyes of the God. Its time to embrace the inadequateness that only God can shape into a completeness and let go of living by the standard of the world. We have to hold tight to the truth of who God says we are. And if we can’t see it, ask God to reveal all the beauty and mess of what God made. Write it down and share it. I’d LOVE to read it. Where you see yourself as broken, find a masterpiece. When you see yourself as unworthy, see the daughter of the Most High. When you see yourself as weak, see His strength. When you find yourself alone, He calls you “mine.” When you find yourself hurting and forsaken, see the love, compassion, and mercy He equipped you with.

God’s power is sovereign. Use it and stop living by the standard of the world. God has a plan for your inadequateness, and it is going to be beautiful.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good and not evil, for hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I have recently been using the phrase, “God meets us in our messes and He loves us right out of them.” That phrase came into my thought process, like a flood of goodness, mercy, and grace in one simple and powerful sentence. And it wasn’t when I was praying or having quiet time or being a “good Christian.” That phrase came through in my distant numbness from God. It was a God-given gift.

We can get ourselves into quite the messes can’t we? And our messes involve a lot of junk like uncertainty, hurt, anger, fear, loss, sorrow, sin, pride…you name it and its there. And sometimes our messes just happen. Ones like accidents and illnesses that aren’t self-inflicted but still hurt nonetheless. And we still have to deal with them in all of our messy humanness.

In 2009, Katie’s cancer diagnosis and my divorce were happening at the same time. One was out of my control and the other, well I had choices to make and I chose what I thought was the right one. Neither would have been easy. I remember in the midst of my mess one day I was sitting at the kitchen table. I had just had another argument with the girls’ father and I was tired, distraught, and at the end of my rope. The uncertainty of illnesses and dealing with others had pushed me to break. As the sun was shining into the kitchen window and onto the floor directing its warmth around me, I hit my knees and cried out…when my heart is faint. Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I…

My life changed that day. I didn’t see it then, nor did I see it a year later. But oh do I see it now.

This week I have thought a lot about where our faith lies in times of uncertainty when we are scared, worried, and weak. I have also noticed some around me pondering on the same question in one way or another. And honestly, hasn’t that been the theme of 2020? Uncertainty. Politics…uncertainty. COVID…uncertainty. Riots…uncertainty. Personal life…uncertainty. And all I can think is Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I…

The truth is that in the depths of uncertainty we find our faith. And in our faith we find peace EVEN IF times are uncertain, EVEN WHEN we are in the mess, and EVEN WHILE we don’t know God’s plans. We KNOW who holds us. WE KNOW the One who is sovereign. We know where our refuge and our strength both lie. Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I…

We see uncertainty throughout the Bible that is counteracted by faith. We see it in Noah, Moses, David, Joshua, Job, Saul who became Paul, and Mary through arcs, giants, walls, hardships, blindness, and divine meetings.

God meets us in our messes and loves us right out of them because in the depths of our uncertainty is where we find our faith.

Psalm 61:1-3 Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy.

God can use anything for His glory. And I do mean anything.

Last week He used my fuzzy socks. Sounds kind of ridiculous right? But in reality it is so much deeper than we could imagine.

On Monday nights at our church we have a ladies group called Overcomers. I have not been as faithful in going as I should have (part of my recent numbness). And my heart could have used it, to be completely honest. I love those women, I love that group. Anyway I recently started attending Monday nights again. Last week was especially touching.

My brother-in-law tagged me in a post on Facebook Monday evening, not too much before Bible study time. No explanation from him other than my name. When I read the post, it was a lady inquiring about our Monday nights. I didn’t know her, never talked to her, had never even heard her name. I could have easily not reached out. Its easy to hide behind social media isn’t it? No one sees that. Well, no one except God. But I didn’t feel that way. I wanted to reach out. So, we (God and I) took the bold step and messaged her. After some short conversation she was thinking she could make it. WHOOP WHOOP! Go God!

As I got ready for Bible study I thought, I do not want to wear shoes. I really just want to wear my fuzzy socks. But what kind of judgement would that bring, not wearing my shoes in church??? So, I got up to get my shoes. But as I walked out of the kitchen I heard a mighty whisper, “What makes you approachable and real, child?” I stopped, not knowing how to respond. I knew that Voice. I knew the meaning behind it. I knew that God works in the small things. So awkwardly and obediently I grabbed my socks and I went to church. In jeans, a sweater, and the very socks you see photographed above.

For visual purposes, let me elaborate on these socks. They are my favorite pair. They have holes in the bottom from walking outside to check the mail or out on the back patio. They likely have German Shepherd hair imbedded in them because….well if you’ve had a German Shepherd you know about their hair. It is barbed or something. It sticks to everything and never goes away. Basically these socks are tattered from being well-loved. So it really adds to the level of awkwardness. I mean Noah built an ark out of obedience…and these were just socks. So…I guess I have nothing on Noah and experiencing awkwardness.

I walked into the room, wondering what those put-together women thought of my ridiculous socks (this from the one who considers a bathrobe work-from-home attire and still gets anxiety at the thought of judgement from others). Mind you, I know these women are NOT in any way judgmental, and a lot of times my fear of judgement stems from my own insecurities. Yet I felt that way nonetheless. Anyway, I walked in and the woman I had spoken with had not arrived yet. I wondered if maybe she had changed her mind. And I was at church. In these socks. Comfortable as my feet were, I wanted to sit on my feet and hide them (remind me to talk about feelings of inadequacy in a future post).

After some time, my soon-to-be blessing showed up with her kiddos. She put the kids in the nursery and sat down next to me. She knew no one in that group. She only knew me by my profile picture and that’s it. Yet she came. I could talk about boldness all day and I’d talk about her, but I will leave that for her testimony. Anyway, she sat down. She listened to the lesson and gave her input. She asked for prayer. But do you know what she did before that?? SHE COMMENTED ON MY SOCKS. This could be counted as completely and utterly insignificant if I hadn’t had an earlier conversation with the Lord. Let’s be real here, who walks into a room and thinks, I am gonna sit next to the weirdo with the fuzzy socks on? Apparently she did. If I hadn’t been obedient, if I hadn’t listened to God and not been real, how would have things unfolded then? I don’t want to know. Yes, its only a pair of fuzzy, tattered socks. Yet it was an icebreaker for deeper conversation.

BUT ITS ONLY A PAIR OF SOCKS.

Here is where the real blessing comes in. The socks offered a realness. So real that we exchanged phone numbers, have talked almost daily, and are planning a coffee date. I want to hear her story. She is a new believer, and I mean new. Its awesome. God has blessed me thus far through her. I have been able to see His power, His mercy, and His grace all in the span of a week. All because I chose obedience. At God’s nudging I chose to reach out and I chose to wear fuzzy socks.

If I had not been obedient, I would have hid behind social media. If I had not been obedient I would have worn shoes like a “normal person.” But I need to remember that God works through our uniqueness and our obedience. That’s what it means to be set apart. Even in the small things. Really small things. Really insignificant things. Like fuzzy socks. How do we relate to others if we are all put together all the time? If we can’t share real-time testimony? We have to be real. And approachable. And sometimes messy. And without fear of judgement of others. The strength to do this is through obedience. God gives us what we need, when we need it.

Like those divine socks. I will forever be grateful.

1 Peter 3:15 But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect…

I always wonder what happened after the Samaritan woman met Jesus at the well, received salvation, quenched her thirst, and shared her testimony. I like to think she quickly turned from sin and is sharing eternal life with the Lord. She could have also struggled with her sin and gave in, doomed forever.

But lets talk about a scenario that makes her relatable to women like you and I because we will always wrestle with sin, small or great. There will be hurt and temptation and we will struggle until the day we take our last breath.

First, I am going to call her Sammi for the sake of not having to type the Samaritan woman over and over. Also…thanks for your grace on that.

Now, Sammi went to the well, quenched her thirst with Living Water, and shared her testimony which aided in others believing in the Messiah. A complete transformation. This is how God works. Which is EXACTLY what we are supposed to do as believers, new and old. But what happened after that? What does that look like for us? Did Sammi stumble at times? Did she experience temptation still? You betchya she did! I am sure she faced a whole heap of struggles. Her testimony, your testimony, ANY testimony is an ever-evolving story. It doesn’t end at salvation because it is JUST THE BEGINNING. It has to be real. It has to be relatable.

How does it apply? Let me be transparent: I was baptized as an infant, raised Lutheran, got pregnant at 17 and again at 20 and 22, and I was baptized again at 29 after…I want to say veering off the spiritual path, but it was more like a 90 degree right hand turn at full speed into the ditch. Lets be honest. I have been angry at God in ways I never want to be again. And even now, I struggle. I judge quickly at times and I fear judgement when I shouldn’t. And sometimes my mouth speaks before the filter kicks in. Oh and during the first COVID lockdown I worked from home, in my bathrobe, without shame (see above). I also have recently worn the same pair of jeans for 3 days and I did not wash my hair today. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Again, I am the woman at the well.

We cannot bring others along if we haven’t walked the same road and fought the same battles. Sammi is relatable. But if you think about it, we can relate a part of ourselves to almost EVERY woman in the Bible. Eve, Delilah, Ruth, Esther, Sarah, Rachel, Bathsheba, you name it. We can pick out characteristics, strengths and weaknesses, struggles and triumphs and put a name to it. Make it real, make it relatable.

Sammi’s testimony was uniquely hers and it was filled with hurt, shame, and struggle. That statement holds true for you too. Do not be ashamed of the road you have walked. Do not be afraid of the judgement that may come from others. Do not discount the story God has laid out before you to share. Because there is someone out there who needs your words. She may be wearing the same pair of jeans for 3 days too.

You are Sammi. Own it.

Psalm 66:16 Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what he has done for my soul.

For ten months I have been withdrawn. Withdrawn from church, from faith, from people. Almost like a spiritual numbness you could say. I have watched the world spin almost out of control between politics and disease and racial tensions. At the same time I have endured personal struggles that I have managed to just shove away. I didn’t want the pain or the conviction of any of it. I have been void of any sympathy or empathy or understanding or submission through it all. During quarantine times I found a false peace, a complacent serenity if you will, in gardening or reading. I didn’t worship, rarely picked up my Bible, and only prayed before bed over my daughters’ well being. That was the extent of my time with the Lord.

I am ashamed to admit it. I put God at arms length.

But He never left me. He never does.

So often I relate to David: imperfect, messy, and running to God through the trials. Other times I relate to Martha: doing what is socially expected or acceptable. I have even related to Paul: I know how to be brought low and I know how to abound (Philippians 4:12-13).

But in this moment I am the woman at the well.

Everything that I have ever done wrong, every sin, every hurt, every mistake, every everything has managed to creep in. And I mean every one, from the time I stole a dollar out of my dads piggy bank for a Slurpee at age 8 to allowing the busy to run my life at age 38. Those memories of sin and hurt sat right behind the numbness, the false peace, the complacent serenity and it has reared the ugly head of shame. And that is why I want to sit at the well and draw my water alone. No one wants my junk and frankly I don’t want anyone to have it.

But that isn’t how God works. AND I AM THIRSTY.

Jesus tells the woman at the well, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst,” John 4:13-14. I am, and have been, the woman at the well. I have been drinking complacent waters trying to quench a thirst that can only be satisfied by living water. He knows my sin so why do I squash it like he doesn’t? Jesus told the woman her sin and she confessed. Why am I any different? Do you know what is even more miraculous? Jesus worked through this messy and imperfect woman. Through the woman’s confession of sin, through her testimony, others BELIEVED in the Messiah.

So often we think, I don’t want to be the woman at the well. Oh but I do. I want to be God’s vessel. I want him to use my sin and imperfectness for HIS GLORY, just like He did her. She was available and willing and God used her.

I am David. I am Martha. I am Paul. And sometimes I am even Mary.

But today I am the woman at the well. And Jesus is the Living Water.