For the first time in my almost 43 years of existence, I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin. I am learning that I like a certain type of coffee prepared a certain way. My favorite color is forest green. I like to walk outside on cold mornings and breath in the air as the sun peaks over the horizon, it is so rejuvenating. And my socks…well they are a little pricy and their washing instructions are a little unconventional…but I don’t care. These socks are like fluffy little clouds for your feet.
If you have known me for a while, decades actually, you’d know that when asked my favorite color it would either change, or I would say all of them. I could see the beauty in all the colors God graced us with, and I still can, it’s just that I am partial to forest green.
These may seem like trivial items, but they aren’t when you dig deeper. Because over the course of my life I have always picked what I thought would please others or make them like me.
Growing up I was teased about my frizzy hair or my facial features that stood out or the size of my “childbearing” hips. I say growing up, but even as late as 30 I was described as having “frizzy hair” and a “deep voice” by women my own age. So, as I aged, I attempted to compensate what I thought were my deficiencies in myself with things like athletic talent and fashion. Boys. And those things weren’t necessarily what I wanted, but they were things that the world applauded.
As I hit my 30s, I then turned my worth to career success. I didn’t do too bad. I found out I picked up on things quickly. Through trial and error, I found I could be a decent leader (as long as I curbed some bluntness and made sure my facts were straight). But inside I was still insecure and vying for the approval of others.
Ultimately these things left me with a very skewed vision of where my worth comes from and who I truly am. I was a people pleaser that wanted to be included, and that gave my already anxious mind fuel.
I won’t tell you I was miserable. I wasn’t. But I was not fulfilled. And complete peace was elusive.
As I sit here today, I have a peace I have NEVER had before. One that is teaching me to be comfortable with who God has made me, frizzy hair and all.
Also, as I sit here, I begin to wonder how many of you women out there have struggled, or still struggle, with craving worldly affirmation and pleasing others? How many of you don’t really know who God made you to be? Just thinking about it breaks my heart.
There are a few very close to me that I know struggle.
So, if I struggle with it, and people I deeply care about struggle with it, then the chances are you are struggling with some form of it too.
It’s a prison that God never intended for us.
He intends for us to be authentic. He intends for us to be in Him. He intends for us to be real.
He intends for us to not be anxious. I mean, He spells it out pretty clearly…
DO NOT BE ANXIOUS.
BUT HOW. It is SO HARD to change after 40 something years of doing the same thing and acting the same way because we don’t know what else to do.
I could type out a BUNCH of scripture here to line out what God says. You need it. It is the MOST VITAL piece as you walk this road. But I will not type it out here because I want you to open your Bible. Instead, I am going to ask that you read ALL of Matthew 6 in the Message version and pray when you are done. I am going to remind you that you were knit together in your mother’s womb and that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
The HOW of getting to the side of peace is the hardest part. It is so simple and so profound.
LET GO. RELEASE CONTROL.
Scary right? It was for me too. But staying where I was, anxious and stressed, was scarier than releasing it all. I had to release the fear of judgement. I had to release the fear of abandonment. I had to release the fear of being disposable. I had to release the fear of not being accepted. I had to release the fear of no longer being loved. I had to release the fear of being ridiculed. I held on to them so tightly I was allowing them to become part of my identity.
God DID NOT build those fears into me when He made me.
Author and speaker John Delony like to use the phrase, “Choose your hard.” He’s right. It’s hard to live in fear and it’s hard to release it. The difference in choosing your hard, is the where the presence of peace lies.
I changed my hard by closing my eyes and pictured myself handing it all to God. Raising my arms in the air, standing on my tippy toes, and simply handing it over to Him. Then right after that, I look back at ALL of the hurts and hurdles that God has seen me through. With some of them I should have been homeless or dead. But HE was, and still is, faithful. I then rest in the fact that even though I don’t know what the future holds, He does, and He has brought me this far without fail. He won’t start failing now.
I read, I journal, and I talk to God constantly. And this is how I have found the peace that was so elusive for far too long. I was tired of being uncomfortable and pleasing others. It was hard to change my way of thinking, but now I have peace in living out who God made me to be.
Not that I don’t still backtrack, because I do. I get anxious, a little depressed, a little fearful.
Even more, though, I don’t want to go back to the person who lived in fear of hurt. I don’t want to be the person who doesn’t know what socks she likes and how she prefers her coffee. I like knowing what my favorite color is.
If you are struggling today with insecurity, anxiety, self-worth, and craving worldly affirmations, hit your knees and seek God. Read Matthew 6. You are not alone.
God, thank you for the way you knit us together so intimately and purposefully. Today I lift up the woman reading these words to you. I pray that she finds peace. I pray that she chooses the hard that offers her that peace. I pray that she seeks you when she is weak and praises you when she is strong. And most of all, God, I pray that she releases her fears to you and allows you to weave Your peace through her heart. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen.
feed yourself, girl 