Tag Archives: faith

UNcomfortable

For the first time in my almost 43 years of existence, I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin. I am learning that I like a certain type of coffee prepared a certain way. My favorite color is forest green. I like to walk outside on cold mornings and breath in the air as the sun peaks over the horizon, it is so rejuvenating. And my socks…well they are a little pricy and their washing instructions are a little unconventional…but I don’t care. These socks are like fluffy little clouds for your feet.

If you have known me for a while, decades actually, you’d know that when asked my favorite color it would either change, or I would say all of them. I could see the beauty in all the colors God graced us with, and I still can, it’s just that I am partial to forest green.

These may seem like trivial items, but they aren’t when you dig deeper. Because over the course of my life I have always picked what I thought would please others or make them like me.

Growing up I was teased about my frizzy hair or my facial features that stood out or the size of my “childbearing” hips. I say growing up, but even as late as 30 I was described as having “frizzy hair” and a “deep voice” by women my own age. So, as I aged, I attempted to compensate what I thought were my deficiencies in myself with things like athletic talent and fashion. Boys. And those things weren’t necessarily what I wanted, but they were things that the world applauded.

As I hit my 30s, I then turned my worth to career success. I didn’t do too bad. I found out I picked up on things quickly. Through trial and error, I found I could be a decent leader (as long as I curbed some bluntness and made sure my facts were straight). But inside I was still insecure and vying for the approval of others.

Ultimately these things left me with a very skewed vision of where my worth comes from and who I truly am. I was a people pleaser that wanted to be included, and that gave my already anxious mind fuel.

I won’t tell you I was miserable. I wasn’t. But I was not fulfilled. And complete peace was elusive.

As I sit here today, I have a peace I have NEVER had before. One that is teaching me to be comfortable with who God has made me, frizzy hair and all.

Also, as I sit here, I begin to wonder how many of you women out there have struggled, or still struggle, with craving worldly affirmation and pleasing others? How many of you don’t really know who God made you to be? Just thinking about it breaks my heart.

There are a few very close to me that I know struggle.

So, if I struggle with it, and people I deeply care about struggle with it, then the chances are you are struggling with some form of it too.

It’s a prison that God never intended for us.

He intends for us to be authentic. He intends for us to be in Him. He intends for us to be real.

He intends for us to not be anxious. I mean, He spells it out pretty clearly…

DO NOT BE ANXIOUS.

BUT HOW. It is SO HARD to change after 40 something years of doing the same thing and acting the same way because we don’t know what else to do.

I could type out a BUNCH of scripture here to line out what God says. You need it. It is the MOST VITAL piece as you walk this road. But I will not type it out here because I want you to open your Bible. Instead, I am going to ask that you read ALL of Matthew 6 in the Message version and pray when you are done. I am going to remind you that you were knit together in your mother’s womb and that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

The HOW of getting to the side of peace is the hardest part. It is so simple and so profound.

LET GO. RELEASE CONTROL.

Scary right? It was for me too. But staying where I was, anxious and stressed, was scarier than releasing it all. I had to release the fear of judgement. I had to release the fear of abandonment. I had to release the fear of being disposable. I had to release the fear of not being accepted. I had to release the fear of no longer being loved. I had to release the fear of being ridiculed. I held on to them so tightly I was allowing them to become part of my identity.

God DID NOT build those fears into me when He made me.

Author and speaker John Delony like to use the phrase, “Choose your hard.” He’s right. It’s hard to live in fear and it’s hard to release it. The difference in choosing your hard, is the where the presence of peace lies.

I changed my hard by closing my eyes and pictured myself handing it all to God. Raising my arms in the air, standing on my tippy toes, and simply handing it over to Him. Then right after that, I look back at ALL of the hurts and hurdles that God has seen me through. With some of them I should have been homeless or dead. But HE was, and still is, faithful. I then rest in the fact that even though I don’t know what the future holds, He does, and He has brought me this far without fail. He won’t start failing now.

I read, I journal, and I talk to God constantly. And this is how I have found the peace that was so elusive for far too long. I was tired of being uncomfortable and pleasing others. It was hard to change my way of thinking, but now I have peace in living out who God made me to be.

Not that I don’t still backtrack, because I do. I get anxious, a little depressed, a little fearful.

Even more, though, I don’t want to go back to the person who lived in fear of hurt. I don’t want to be the person who doesn’t know what socks she likes and how she prefers her coffee. I like knowing what my favorite color is.

If you are struggling today with insecurity, anxiety, self-worth, and craving worldly affirmations, hit your knees and seek God. Read Matthew 6. You are not alone.

God, thank you for the way you knit us together so intimately and purposefully. Today I lift up the woman reading these words to you. I pray that she finds peace. I pray that she chooses the hard that offers her that peace. I pray that she seeks you when she is weak and praises you when she is strong. And most of all, God, I pray that she releases her fears to you and allows you to weave Your peace through her heart. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen.

Seat Me Next To Matthew

I cannot tell you the number of times I have read over this passage. It is short, simple, and to the point. Basically, Jesus calls Matthew to follow him, and later they gather for dinner at someone’s house where the Pharisees try to crash the party. That’s it.

But this morning as I was reading my devotions, this simple passage brought me to tears. Especially the end of verse 13.

Matthew 9:9-13, “As Jesus passed on from there, he saw a man called Matthew sitting at the tax booth, and he said to him, ‘Follow me.’ And he rose and followed him.

And as Jesus reclined at a table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and were reclining with Jesus and his disciples, ‘Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?’ But when he heard it, he said, ‘Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Go and learn what this means. I desire mercy, and not sacrifice. For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.'”

I do NOT want to walk through my life not being at that table. There is not a one of us who is righteous on our own. It is ALL through Christ.

But there are days when I get frustrated or ‘puffed up’ and I FORGET what table I should be eating at. I push away from my plate and stand up, asking questions and pointing fingers to the others around the table. I’d rather “sacrifice” someone than offer them the same mercy that has been shown to me.

And you know what really convicts me? If I DON’T offer mercy, and I profess to be a follower of Christ, they may not want to sit at that table. They may turn away from what is offered there because of MY self-righteousness. AND THEY SHOULD BE THERE, just as I should.

I don’t want to be the reason someone doesn’t sit at the table, Christ should be the reason why we ALL sit at the table.

So today, I am going to take my seat next to Matthew and his friends. I am going to reach out to someone that I have been struggling with, and I encourage you to do the same. I am going to invite them to sit next to me, as I take my spot next to the tax collector.

Choose The Good Portion

This is just this morning. Barely made bed, laundry everywhere. Definitely dog hair on the floor. This is real life. And that’s ok. You know what else is ok? Keeping a spotless house. That is ok too. I, however, am not one of those people.

Oh, what a time we live in. As women, the world calls us to be all and do all: be the boss at work, keep a spotless house, workout daily, raise your kids perfectly, cook Insta-worthy meals, please your man, do all the things, be all the things…and while you are at it…throw some self-care in there.

Don’t forget to post your perfect life across your socials.

Wow.

The world has given us the perfect recipe to breed anxiety and depression. And it shows.

I would be willing to bet that the woman sitting next to you on your morning commute or in the coffee shop or across from you at the salon or the one you follow on the InstaFaceTok is feeling the Exact. Same. Thing.

Pressure. Pressure to keep up, to perform, to be the perfect mom, wife, daughter, friend, Christian, fitness guru, and chef. And the pressure to show everyone the perfection.

But guess what?

YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIVE THAT WAY.

Yep, I said it. The world’s way of life steals your peace, wrecks your joy, and kills your sanity. And you don’t have to take it.

You can choose the Good Portion.

You may know the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10. If you don’t, read Luke 10:38-42. Even if you know it, read it again. Martha welcomes Jesus into her house, and she is being all the things and doing all the things like a good and gracious host does. But her sister, Mary…Mary does none of that. She sits at the feet of Jesus. And as Martha sees what Mary is doing, she complains to Jesus, “My sister is not helping me be all the things and do all the things. Aren’t you going to do something?”

I LOVE Jesus’s response here. “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42.

Martha is being all the things and doing all the things and Jesus refers to her as anxious and troubled.

That is eye opening.

Then he talks about Mary and choosing the Good Portion. Lightbulb!

So, you’re saying that I can leave the dishes in the sink and sit and the feet of Jesus and not have to feel guilty about it?!

That, my dear, is exactly what I am saying.

We are so culturally obsessed about being perfect and showing others that we are perfect that we forget about the Good Portion. We don’t have to carry ANY of that. Jesus was, is, and will always be the only perfect one. You and I were not created that way so why are we acting like we are?

Sister, I do not know why we feel that pressure. I know I feel it, sometimes daily. But then I remember to sit at the feet of Jesus. That is where my peace comes from. I do not have to have a spotless house or cook a 4-course meal daily. I just have to be a good steward of what God has given me. He knows I will not be perfect at it; I just need to cherish it. He just wants our time and our heart. The Good Portion.

So, as you go about starting your day tomorrow, feed yourself, girl with the Good Portion. Sit at the feet of Jesus and ask Him what your day should look like. He is not asking you to be it all and do it all. That’s his job.

And he certainly isn’t asking you to post it all.

He is asking you, though, to give it all. Your life, to Him. It gets much lighter when we do.

I hope as you walk through the week, you sit at the feet of Jesus, give your burdens to God, and choose the Good Portion.

Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.